saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
