what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
