To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
