i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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