my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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