It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
