I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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