I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
