you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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