so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
