i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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