I think I am morally bankrupt
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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