he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I did not marry a roomba.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
