I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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