I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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