not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
