like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
