My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
