Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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