My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
