rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(