He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!