he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands