now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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