I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.