My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
