I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
