I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Two words: nipple clamps
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