I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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