GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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