i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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