This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
