he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
