evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
