Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
