Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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