I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
you will always have a special place in my vag
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
