apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
