Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
