I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
