remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
