apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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