If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
