Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
