If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
