if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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