I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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