Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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