this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
