I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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