i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
