So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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