Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
