GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize