Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
