Christians are straight up FREAKS
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
