i used baking grease as lip gloss
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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